*Trigger warning- references to suicide
Siona, a member of the Blog Squad, lives with Borderline Personality Disorder. She's an artist, educator and mental health advocate. When she was 24, she wrote "The Art of Being Blue". Here's her the song, and the story behind it:
The Art of Being Blue
I remember sitting on the floor in my mom’s kitchen a few summers ago, needing a song. I needed something to comfort the spinning thoughts in my head that felt like a 16 year long roller coaster.
Back then I struggled so much trying to articulate what having Borderline Personality Disorder felt like. I tried to explain with questionnaires, workbooks, therapy notes, and endless other things. But music was my solution.
So I sat there on my mom’s kitchen floor, held my guitar, and sang the truth. The struggle of wanting to be alive and wanting to end it all at the same time. The black and white, and the impossibility of living in the grey.
I needed to embrace my blue without going dark.
I needed to be blunt with my lyrics and admit how much it sucks to feel too much and not enough. But in all that blue, I’m still gold. And without the blue, I wouldn’t be gold at all. The song guided my lyrics, and in the end I realized that I did not have shame over my struggles. It was what it was. And I love who I am.
Listen to the song on Sound Cloud.
You look at me like a roller coaster
That you’re not tall enough to ride
Or like a pot that’s about to boil over
And you’ve got nowhere to hide
You see if feel everything down to my core
And when you think it’s over there’s always more
But I don’t want to apologize
For the thing that makes me feel alive
The art of being blue means forgiving what I used to be
While crying in front of you with all this pain that still feels new to me
And wanting to die while wanting to grow old
Knowing in all that blue I’m still gold
I know I can come in like a tornado
And leave everything in a mess
But I can pour myself into loving you
In a world that’s given you less
But I know I can suddenly fall apart
And confuse and overwhelm your heart
But if you’re willing to stand in the dark
I promise to show you the worlds brightest stars
And I know in those times that I felt black
People chose to leave and never look back
And so I had to let them go
God I’m so sick of feeling like I’m not enough
Or just as bad feeling like I’m too much
But I know sometimes I get in my own way
From showing you of course you should stay
You should stay
I know that with all my blue you’re worried I may fall
But without my blue I don’t think I’d be gold at all